a knitter navigates through life

Thursday, February 28, 2008

some ponderings about love, and why does it suck so much?

Someone is trying to reenter my life, who left very suddenly a year and a half ago, smearing my heart on the pavement behind him as he peeled out. And I am pondering such things as the nature of forgiveness, and when does someone deserve to be forgiven. And do I even want to bother?
This was the break-up that really broke me. I used to believe that I could do a relationship, that I was capable of being in a successful relationship, because who doesn't believe that? I don't believe that anymore, not really. I don't really think I'm capable of having a successful relationship. I don't really believe that relationships work, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. I don't see any point in trying either, because I'll just get attached, and a year and a half later, as soon as I let my guard down and start trusting a guy, he'll leave for no good reason, and leave me broken again. And it took so long to put me back together last time.
Is it even fair to blame someone else for all this?
Is it fair to try to restart a friendship with someone when all of this stuff is still roiling underneath the surface?
Is it fair to try to have a friendship with someone when sometimes you just want to hurt him as badly as he hurt you?
Would a friendship even be worth it? I have lots of friends, people who haven't betrayed me. Why would I bother trying to be friends with someone who has hurt me so badly?
But is it fair to cut someone out of your life for being a dumbass? He didn't mean to hurt me; he wasn't malicious. I don't think he could have handled it worse if he'd tried, but he didn't intend to hurt me. Does intention matter, or should one only look at the end results of someone's actions?
He's seems like he's getting his life in order, like he's actually becoming a real adult human being. And partly that makes me mad, and partly that makes me scared. Mad because, why couldn't he have done this when we were together, the jerk?!? And scared because I find myself thinking that maybe he's resolved all the things that were a problem in our relationship. And maybe there's a chance of us working out now. And I don't know if I really want that or not. But I hate change, so I'm afraid I'll be lured back into the madness by the comfortable and familiar. And anyway, I took a vow to make new mistakes, instead of the same old ones over and over again.
I'm so tired of guys leaving me and then a month later, a year later, whatever, telling me that dumping me was the biggest mistake they ever made. It's my curse. Gay men tell me that "if they could ever love a woman, it would be me" (not helpful, dude), and straight boys dump me and then regret it later (too late, jerk).
Basically, I'm wondering if my "hurt me and I will never have any contact with you again" policy is too harsh, or if it makes sense to protect myself.
And don't get me wrong; I like the idea of marriage. My parents have a great one. I like the idea of teaming up with your best friend to go through life together, someone who has your back and loves you even when you feel totally unlovable, someone that you may get pissed off at but you still love them and their strange little quirks. But apparently I want totally unreasonable things.

Ugh. They say getting all this out in the open is supposed to make you feel better, but I just feel like crap. Bruised and beaten crap. I'm gonna go curl up with the kitties for a while.


Gotta Knit! said...

oh hugs, sweetheart. I remember meeting you about a month before all of this happened and watched you go through the grief and then the rage.

To sick to be any good to you but will think when I can.

mandycharlie said...

Hugs to you.

It will take a while to get your answer from within, but you will get it. Just be strong and give yourself time to find the answer.

Jana said...

i have too much to say to write it all down here, but i understand what you are going through...we can talk the next time we see each other.

at the end of the day, you need to put yourself first and do what is best for you, with or without him.

Teleza said...

Good words.